Aloha my friends,
The plots of two older films recently came to mind. In ‘Somewhere in Time’ Christopher Reeve plays a man besotted by the image of a nineteenth-century woman. He ends up living with her in the past after focusing so intently on his desire to be with her that whoosh! he shows up in the 1800’s via magical ‘thought travel’. In the second movie, the main character is a singer who trades to the Devil his soul for rock star status, and wham! he’s suddenly in the wings of a huge arena, waiting to go out and greet his adoring fans. Love the title: ‘Oh God! You Devil’.
Here’s why I like these movies. In both someone is transported into another reality, lives in it heartily, then through an unconscious ‘mistake’ does not.
Christopher Reeve, after a blissful interlude with his beautiful old-fashioned lover, and within the space of mere seconds, is abruptly hauled back to his other life. A penny, brought from the future in the trousers he wore for his time travel trip, falls out onto the floor. The coin triggers memory of his former existence and he is unable to stop thinking about it. He jumps onto this train of thought and it speeds him right back into modern life.
The rock singer is told he can create his new superstar life to be anything wants and so he does. Then slowly but surely, he gets caught up in thinking about what he left behind in the other life. He thinks about it so often and so deeply that he becomes despondent. He takes his time climbing aboard, but eventually he, too, is all the way on his own train of thought, and it deposits him into the forever forgetting of his creative powers. He literally can think of and remember nothing but his own misery.
OK, those are the plots. Here’s why I was reminded of them.
I had six awakening experiences in the last month. What is an awakening? It is not ‘me’ waking up to something (there is no ‘me’, remember?); rather, ‘spirit something’ wakes up from a ‘me’ illusion. A frame of reference shifts. Reality as Itself ceases to identify Itself as illusion, the manifested.
Nutshell version: What we are wakes up out of what we are not. This is how Adyashanti puts it and I heartily concur. It is absolutely the experience here.
Each of these powerful awakenings slowly dissolved into whatever would remain. And much has. The most tangible and complete of the remains is the utter knowing that there is no personal self. This vacillates between the unequivocal experience of zero ‘me’ existing anywhere, and a simple knowing, as in the way we know the sun exists even when we are not seeing it.
Most, not all, of what ‘is’ during these awakenings… a living, aware spaciousness in which all is ‘located’; huge love, oneness, manifesting here as everything in that spaciousness; the simple joy of being experientially awake to/in/as Reality… is no longer directly experienced.
And it’s clear why. I thought my way out of it. Just as for the fictional heroes above, the wonder of IT happened, and then it didn’t. Identification with thought pulled us back to ‘before’. While in the awakened state I unknowingly jumped back on the thought train, and kept on riding, kept on ‘thinking about’, even after the recognition of being train-tied yet again. And I, too, arrived back at the beginning: identifying with thoughts as being ‘me’; waving bye bye to bliss.
Except, not really.
Back at a beginning, yes, but not the beginning. The start line each time somehow further out. More, and more powerful, incorporations settling in. Much has joined that unalterable truth that there is no Lisa anywhere to be found.
Each foray within Reality leaves things that stick. Not everything, but enough. What is being learned here is that there is still strong unconscious conditioning in operation, and it has to be faced or I will continue being magnetized out of Reality, out of the awakenings, by false, unexamined dogma. This dogma appears as thought. The allure of it is so habitual that there can be instant attention, morphing into hooked-in-believing.
This dissolving of being awake is gradual, beginning with the distinct experience that awareness is oozing down the drain. Over a few hours or a day or two, it’s gone, residual peace and … something… the only remaining signs it ever was. The first couple of times it happened, the immediate idea was that something was wrong and needed fixing. Ha! The truth is nothing is broken, nothing is incorrect. And after some ‘Oh no!’ feelings that’s what was experienced.
Yet gradually it was recognized that what dissolved the awakening could itself be dissolved. The thoughts could be seen and examined, followed to their foundation and, in the end, released. This is inquiry, which I’ve spoken about here before.
Turns out it is the medicine that heals when there’s been falling back into illusion from truth. Looking at what happens, going deeply into unseen beliefs ‘about’, layer after layer, can illuminate their fundamental falseness. I had been doing this for some time, but now had the biggest motivation possible: to go beyond no-self into the allself of Reality, permanently, lovingly, naturally.
So I began shining that light, looking into the dark of thoughts below thoughts and the ones below those. Simple, sometimes scary, it always works if I hang in there long enough. I’m keeping a journal of the revealed core beliefs, all false. Oh, yeah. All false. All painful, non-rational and obviously untrue when clearly seen. Yet I had believed them. Go figure.
Healing happens. Awake in reality or asleep to it makes no difference. Uncovering and being receptive to really seeing chronic thought patterns loosens their grip. They simply cannot stand the light of an open mind and heart. Eventually they drop. I watch this happen.
It is still to be seen how much or how little jumping onto thought trains influences the devolving of a particular awareness experience. Maybe not at all; maybe non-abiding awakenings are that for reasons that connect not at all to thought. I’m eager to find out.
An awakening that lasts, that abides, probably to also include the dissolution of habitual conditioning, is also seen as natural. Neither will include a ‘me’who could control any of this. Not possible.
I’m taking my own advice even more fully now, and letting be.
To sum up, what is happening here is sometimes wakefulness is being experienced by this ‘part’ of spaciousness, sometimes not. Conditioned beliefs are being dissolved along the way. And this is now seen as natural. It’s waking up one day at a time. Or not.
So. Lots of graditude that the pain induced by my particular thought train, the ‘My thoughts are facts’ one, is waking me up to itself. And even more gratitude here: That always present, is the other train, gliding in a spaciousness that just happens to be… all there is.
The Reality train. Out on the edge of darkness. Waiting.