Aloha my friends,
Having tended to see most things fairly black and white throughout my life, when non-abiding awakenings began I automatically thought in terms of right and wrong: I had done good in waking up, bad in falling back asleep. I imagined that something other than a natural, inherently positive process could occur. Not so.
In these seeming polarities of awake/ losing most of wakefulness, grey areas in the form of large or small amounts of conditioned belief appear. And where the two meet I’m finding great presence and power through looking deeply at the beliefs. Through this I’ve found that right/wrong applied to awakening is simply irrelevant. Oxymoronic, actually.
How does this grey stuff show up as everyday life in one neither here nor there, a.k.a Lisa?
Thoughts continue to emerge, even with no me around to greet them. That’s natural, even when a false I is assumed. Most simply pass through. But some stick, pulling back a temporary re-identification with the idea of a self. These are the grey areas, where my most cherished and/or hidden illusions about Life are entrenched. I call grey the thoughts to which I cling, with greater or lessor awareness that clinging is happening. It’s identification; I think the thoughts are what I am. When believed, whoosh! back to the past I fly, leisurely or like a bullet, the awake state having leaked right on out.
What re-emerges is the world as it had always seemed to be, with a temporary sense of a me residing therein. Yet consistently deeper somethings abide, continue. So, not bad, just the way is. How to proceed became the question; ‘Look at the core beliefs’ appeared as the answer.
To that end a few weeks ago I started a journal. It’s obvious to me now that the immediate thoughts can be covers for the ‘unconscious’, deeper ones. What is casually passing through can be a less loaded, disguised version of a belief of which I am unaware. It is masked by the more innocuous surface thought. When something pops up that hurts in any way, it’s a signal. Attention is paid.
Mild emotions/softer thoughts can be resolved on the spot (meaning the idea and its reaction are both quickly seen, and both simply fade). Sometimes though, a column of emotion rises straight up through my torso, or a sudden energy fills my center, and I am in distress and discomfort.
Here then, journal is opened, pen becomes poised. Writing begins. Closing of the journal is the end of the issue. Until the next time, or the next after that. Anywhere from one to many viewings of a surface thought leading to the depths could be what it takes. The inevitable result? Another core belief blown to bits.
Here’s an example, directly from my journal. It’s personal, intimate. Makes the point. I am not after how I went wrong here, or looking for ways to fix anything. The point is to dispassionately get to the root of experience and simply ask, ‘Is it true?’.
Purple words are what jumped out as my hidden core beliefs.
Just saw a stranded chick in the yard – fear for it emerged. Saw that it was similar to feelings re: lost, hurt, abused dogs, animals, etc.
1. They need help, they are innocent victims
2. Victims of …… life. (Oh)
3. Life is cruel, uncaring
4. I am cruel & uncaring and project
5. I believe I am uncaring because parents were considered uncaring and I absorbed/modeled that and then labeled myself as that around certain situations. Parents = me.
6. Anthropomorphized life to be like me
7. Chicks = victims = me = victim
8. I am a victim of parents (each incident now, e.g., chicks/dogs = me as a victim and so it’s scary and painful.
This in no way addressed anything about a stranded chick, nor did it ‘fix’ things that happened years ago. It did explain to me why shakiness and fear and a destabilizing vulnerability came about one particular morning. It also showed that there is a carryover from childhood that appears in all kinds of ways. And that deeper, definitely more core stuff can be addressed via further inquiry: Is it a fact that life is uncaring? Am I a victim still? Is it true? Lots of room for discovery.
Once again, thank you for your attention. The road less traveled is now full of many companions and my gratitude grows daily.