For a number of years there was the desire here to ‘wake up’. What the heck that meant was not understood. Life as it seemed to be was just somehow sensed as not the whole story. It was a vague, non-specific feeling, not present a lot, but when it was it was clear that something called ‘waking up’ might be what would end this nebulously uncomfortable state of affairs. At some point I began wanting it with every fiber of my being.
That normal, everyday living was a kind of dreamstate had been touched. How that was recognized is unanswerable. It just was. And as for waking up, there was no definition for it available to me. There were only vague ideas of love, bliss, harmony. There had been no contact with any Eastern religions or ways of thinking about spirituality at that point. Buddhism, Zen, advaita, no self, non-dual… those were simply words. Whatever they meant was completely out of reach. I was on my own.
Yet I did have friends with whom there were many discussions of awakening. We talked a lot about what it might be like, but could see no real means of making it happen. In fact, we often mistook the side effects of realizing Reality as the road that would take us there, imagining that being more loving, peaceful, mind-quiet would somehow trigger what we so deeply wanted. And I felt such a failure, because I could not seem to create more lovingness or peace. A quieter mind seemed an oxymoron. Not possible.
Now it is seen that these qualities, and many others, arrive, if they do, because of awakening, rather than as stimulators of it, and flower as it goes deeper. Now it is known that there is no road to realization, only realization itself. And what is that, you ask? It is the clear, solid, unambiguous seeing, via direct intuitive experiencing, of what we naturally are. It is the unassailable insight that there is not a ‘me’, not an ego ‘I’; that instead what is present every moment is endless, complete, spacious emptiness; the no-thing that is the source of all.
It is what I am, and we are no different, you and I. Not in the slightest.